The Heart of Love

The last couple of weeks we've talked about the "look" of love—meaning its different levels or expressions—and the "work" of love—meaning it's something we can choose to do despite our feelings.

Today I want to look at the "heart" of love. When we use the word "heart" (not in the literal sense, but as a metaphor) we're usually talking about a strong motivation, commitment, or desire for something: he really had a heart for the project...the cause was near to his heart...he put his whole heart into it...she had her heart set on it... she only had his best interests at heart...

We know from last week that love is more than a feeling. True love is not merely an emotional response. So as a Christian when I say the "heart of love," I'm thinking of a deep, inner, God-given motivation for our love. I'm thinking of what God is doing at the core of our being to reshape us—infusing us with his passion and purpose.

As Christians we know we're supposed to be loving. Jesus said, "I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other." John 13:34 (NLT)

We also know that we're not as loving as we could be. We haven't yet reached the land of perfect love. First Corinthians 13 is our destination, but we haven't yet arrived. We may have agape, but—as someone smarter than me put it—it's sloppy agape.

Paul wrote to the believers in Ephesus, challenging them to grow as believers. He said our goal should be that we would all...

¹³ ...become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. [Accomplishing that, he said, would mean:] ¹⁴ Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. ¹⁵ Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. ¹⁶ From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work. Eph 4:13-16

The believers in first-century Ephesus faced several challenges. It was a leading city of the Empire, at the cross-currents of a lot of new ideas and ideologies. It boasted a major temple to the goddess Artemis, which created a lot of tension between believers and the others. Paul had warned the leaders of the church (Acts 20:29-31) "...after I leave, savage wolves will come in among you and will not spare the flock. Even from your own number men will arise and distort the truth in order to draw away disciples after them. So be on your guard!" Part of the trouble proved to be the cultural divide between the Gentile believers and the Jewish community, which Paul spoke to in Ephesians 2.

In many ways, the church in Ephesus was similar to the church today. Bottom line, Paul says, "You need to be more loving. You need to know the difference between right and wrong. You need to be grown-ups."

He says (v13) our goal is to become "mature" = teleios = having reached its end, i.e. complete...

Then he defines (v13) what that looks like for a Christian: "attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ." Jesus is the only "complete" or perfect One. He is teleios—he's reached the end. You and I are still on a journey. We haven't yet reached our destination—but Jesus is our goal. And when we finally "grow up," we're to be like him—completed, finished, having reached the end.

Then Paul lists some of the characteristics of Christian maturity. He shows us what it will look like when we become more like Christ. First he gives some things we will NOT be:

à  Babies. "No longer infants." How many people in the church act like babies?

• They cry if they don't get their way.
• They think only of themselves.
• They can't take care of themselves.
• They depend on others to serve their every need.
• They require a special diet.
• And at the end of the day, they make a big stink.

But when Christians grow up, they will stop acting like babies.

• They think about others instead of only themselves.
• Not only do they take care of themselves but they also care for others.
• They eat solid foods and enjoy a balanced, healthy diet.

• And instead of making a big stink, mature Christians clean up the messes other make.

à  Drifting Boats. "Tossed back and forth by the waves." How many people in the church seem to be drifting? How many seem to have no anchor? No rudder? No compass?

• They drift with the current waves, the latest trends society has to offer.
• They ride the tide of popular opinion, chasing after hot fashions.

• They don't really know God's Word, so they have no anchor to hold them steady.
• Their behavior grieves the Holy Spirit, so they lack the rudder to steer them straight.
• They have ignored God's truth, so they have no compass to give them direction.
But when Christians become complete in Christ, they are like a sea-worthy vessel able to handle the storms of life.

• They have an anchor for the soul.
• Their sails are filled with the wind of the Holy Spirit.

• They can steer straight against the waves of the world's influence.

à  Wind-blown. "Blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men." Why are so many people in the church so easily deceived by strange doctrines?
• They are quite naïve—unable to think for themselves or recognize deceitful scheming.

• They are extremely gullible—easily swayed by the latest spiritual fad.
• They can't stand strong—can't discern the truth from sophisticated lies.
• They are like a flag blowing in the wind—first this way, then another.

But when Christians become strong in the Lord, they can resist the winds of culture.
• When they become like Christ, they can resist the lies and deception of the enemy.
• They stand firm and immovable—like a flag pole—instead of flapping in the breeze like a flag.

Mature Christians will no longer be babies, drifting boats, or wind-blown flags. Instead, they WILL be:

à  Grown-ups (v15). "We will in all things grow up."

à  Connected to the Head, to Christ (v15). "We will...grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ." Much of the so-called church today is a decapitated church! It's not connected to the Head. It's a sideshow freak—a body without a head. A church disconnected from its Head cannot...

• think with the mind of Christ.
• cannot be directed by Christ.

• will be in rebellion to the things of Christ. It will make up its own rules. It will throw out Scripture (God's Word) in the name of tolerance or popular opinion or humanistic philosophies.
But mature Christians will draw their life and their direction from Christ, who is the Head of the church.

à  Joined and held together...built up with love (v16). We've been talking about the need for our church body to nurture loving relationships. If we want to be complete in Christ, if we want to be mature as believers, this is absolutely essential! If we're joined and held together without love we're in trouble.
Without a heart of love, being forced and held together is like dying a slow death. Maybe you've heard of Chang and Eng, conjoined twins who traveled with P.T. Barnum's circus. They were from Siam (now Thailand)—so they were billed as the Siamese Twins. Born in 1811, they were joined by a some skin and cartilage at the torso. Also, their livers were fused together.
Today, they could easily have been separated, but medical science in the 1800s couldn't risk it, so they lived dual lives together. They got along as well as two human beings could get along. They married sisters: Chang had 11 children; Eng had 10 children. They lived together, ate together, worked together, and slept together.
Then one day, when they were in their early 60s, Chang caught pneumonia and suddenly died in his sleep. Eng woke up and discovered his brother was dead. But he was still joined to his brother, held together by force, by physical circumstances. For the next three hours, Eng lay connected to his dead brother, and death crept slowly into his own body. Then he died.
You can join things together and hold things together—but without love, it's like a slow death. Churches that try to hold things together without the love of Jesus will have the life drained slowly out of them. Immature, unloving people will suck the life out of a church.

à  Truth-speakers (v15). "Speaking the truth in love." Mature believers must be truth-tellers, truth-speakers.

This means if we're going to be grown-ups in healthy relationships, we'll need to deal with problems honestly and directly...to get to the root of the problems...to work for life change, not just temporary fixes...to see spiritual transformation, not just physical gratification. In other words,

1.     To speak the truth in love, we must treat the disease, not just the symptoms.

You know what happens when you treat symptoms but ignore the disease? The symptoms keep coming back. You might have temporary relief, but the real problem causes the symptoms to resurface. Suppose you have a severe headache. You might try Tylenol or Excedrin to get rid of the headache—but if the pain is caused by a tumor, you're only treating the symptom. You're not dealing with the real cause of the pain. As far as I know, Tylenol won't shrink tumors.

Sometimes in ministry—sometimes in the name of doing a "loving" thing—we treat the symptom rather than the real problem. This kind of so-called "ministry" can mislead us into thinking that we are making a difference:
(1) something is being done—there is action and effort happening;
(2) the person with the problem receives special, personalized attention—and feels better as a result;
(3) we (those doing the "ministry") feel affirmed and valued—we sense we're accomplishing something
significant.

But we're still only treating the symptoms! For instance, we can run a food shelf and provide food for people who have very little to eat, but if nothing ever changes—if jobs don't come, or an able-bodied person refuses to work, or a careless person never manages his finances...if the person keeps coming back for help week after week—then we're not addressing the real problem. We're only treating the symptoms.

The church is not to be just another "social service agency." There is a spiritual and eternal connection that should transcend the stop-gap measures of social agencies.

Don't get me wrong. I'm glad we have such agencies. They fill an important function in our society. But they cannot fix all the problems, because the root of our social problems lies much deeper than the surface issues they address (poverty, hunger, disabilities, crime, neglect, and so on). In fact, those surface problems would largely disappear if we could change the human heart, stop the divorce epidemic, strengthen human character (replacing sloth with discipline and perseverance), and get rid of alcoholism and all other addictions and compulsive behavior.

If a pastor or a counselor talks to someone and gives good advice, but the person never follows through on that advice, never does what has been told, keeps coming back for more advice over and over, perhaps because he or she enjoys the counseling sessions and feels better as a result—but never actually does what's told, then I'm treating the symptoms and not the real problem. I'm helping surface feelings, but I'm not getting down deep to the issues that created those feelings in the first place.

The same thing (treating symptoms) can happen in dysfunctional families. People think the loving thing is to protect the image of their family or the troubled individual. So they continually bail him or her out of a jam, covering up the problem so things look good on the surface. This is called "enabling"—not in a positive sense, but in a negative sense by circumventing natural consequences of one's actions. What happens? The real problem is never addressed. The truth is never really told. The loving thing—to confront the problem to see it changed—never really occurs.

So the "heart" of love requires telling the truth. But telling the truth, on the other hand, must be done in a spirit of love. Tell the truth in a destructive, critical, judgmental manner—and you'll do nothing for the person who needs to hear it.

2.     To speak the truth in love, we must handle people with care—they're fragile. Truth must be packaged in love. If you deliver the truth harshly, you can devastate a fragile person. They can't hear the truth that blows them away.

Paul wrote to the church at Corinth: ¹ ...I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly—mere infants in Christ. ² I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. ³ You are still worldly... 1 Cor 3:1-3 (NIV)

Truth delivered without love can destroy people. A doctor can take an appendix out with a scalpel, and the patient will likely get better. But if a lumberjack takes out an appendix with a chain saw, it's not going to help the patient!

Truth can be painful, no doubt! The truth can cut! The word of God is "sharper than any double-edged sword...it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart" (Heb 4:12). But a knife in the hand of a skillful  surgeon who handles the patient with care is quite different from a knife in the hand of a street thug.

Sometimes Christians use the truth more like a street thug than a careful surgeon. Some people have walked away from church because someone stabbed them with truth rather healing them with truth.

I'm not saying the truth should be sugar-coated. Truth might be unpleasant to hear—but it's a loving thing to speak the truth to someone who needs to hear it. A doctor isn't helping the patient if he pretends all is well and keeps quiet about the truth. Telling the truth is the first step to finding a cure.

3.     To speak the truth in love, we must be tough as well as soft. We can't forget that love must often be tough. Unconditional love is balanced by tough love.

Let me ask you: When did you feel most loved as a teenager? Did you feel loved when your parents insisted you come home on time for curfew? When they put limits on your freedom? "You're the worst parents ever! You don't care about me! You want to make me feel miserable! You'd be happy if I didn't have any friends at all!"
How many times have I heard people who got in trouble (with the law, with chemical abuse, with unwanted pregnancy) say the wished their parents had been more strict? "They never seemed to care or pay attention to where I was or what I was doing." Worse, they didn't feel loved. (cf Heb 12:6-11)

Love must be tough. Love means speaking the truth. Love is not a license!

Finally, you don't have to be in church or doing "ministry" activity to show love. Love should be part of our everyday activities—at home, at school, at work. No matter what kind of job you have or where you are, love should direct your interactions with others.

Work with people—customers, fellow employees, work crew—and God gives opportunities to show love, to be polite, kind, generous, sensitive, and grace-filled.

4.     To speak the truth in love, we must be filled with God's Spirit. "...God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:5

If you have the Spirit of God living within you, then let the Holy Spirit be the energy behind your words and actions! Let God's love flow from you in everyday situations, in practical life applications!