04-29-2007 message by Pastor Rich Doebler
Wu Ping and Yang Wu of China did not want to sell their house to make way for new shopping and apartment complexes. So the real estate company decided to simply build around them. With deep pits surrounding them on three sides, they were virtually cut off from the world. For weeks, the couple did not waver in their commitment to stay put. But just last month, they finally gave in and agreed to sell. That very night, bulldozers moved in to flatten the lonely house.
You can try to be an island, but in the end, you'll find it's not the best way to live. Nearly 400 years ago John Donne wrote, "No man is an island, entire of itself." It's still true. Loneliness is an sad way to live. [The Week (3-23-07), p.14 on preachingtoday.com]
Today we start a new series of messages: Finding Love. We'll be talking about the need to be noticed, the need for a safe place, and tough love. Today we're looking at one of the big obstacles to finding love: loneliness.
I suspect we've all felt lonely at some level at one time or another. One writer lists these symptoms for loneliness:
- Believing that "everyone else" has friends (implied: you're not as good as everyone else)
- Feeling embarrassed and self-conscious
- Being in a crowd but not feeling part of the crowd
- Feeling shy and scared of others
- Experiencing low self-esteem
- Feeling angry, defensive, and critical
- Feeling socially inadequate and socially unskilled
- Being convinced there is something wrong with you
- Feeling disconnected and alienated from your surroundings
- Feeling anxious and sad because you believe that no one knows how miserable and isolated you feel
- Losing your capacity to be assertive; feeling "invisible"
- Feeling reluctant to attempt to change, or try new things
- Feeling "empty", depressed, or even contemplating suicide
Another writer (Lonely Nation: Americans Try to Connect in a Country Where Isolation Is Common) writes:
In bleak nursing homes and vibrant college dorms, in crowded cities and spread-out suburbs, Americans confront an ailment with no single cause or cure. Some call it social isolation or disconnectedness. Often, it's just plain loneliness... The nation has never been more populous, soon to reach the 300 million mark. And it has never been more connected—by phone, e-mail, instant message, text message, and on and on. Yet so many are alone in the crowd. (http://www.healthyplace.com/news_2006/human_behavior_5.asp [8/5/06])
God's Word has a lot to say about the problem of loneliness—this obstacle to finding love. The challenge of speaking on what the Bible has to say is not what all could be said, but in what all we have to leave out. So let's just take a look at a few verses.
Proverbs 14:20 (TEV) - The poor are shunned even by their neighbors, but the rich have many friends.
The poor are shunned even by their neighbors—by those who live near them. Let me ask: Who are the neighbors of the poor? Aren't the neighbors of the poor other poor people? Usually poor people live in poor neighborhoods, right? They live near other poor people in a similar state of affairs, with similar economic disadvantages, in the same financial straits they are in.
Proverbs says poor people are shunned by their neighbors. In other words, they shun each other. But I don't really see that.
When Sharon and I visited India, we saw entire communities of poor people. Untouchables. People shunned by the rest of society, but they all lived in the same neighborhoods—in low houses made of rocks, scrap lumber, or cardboard maybe with a small piece of sheet metal for a roof, maybe under an overpass. But they lived together. They didn't shun each other.
Poor people often hang out with each other. Many who are underprivileged have deep friendships and great loyalty for one another. Good relationships aren't limited only to the privileged and wealthy.
As a matter of fact, some of the loneliest people in the world are successful, wealthy people. The privileged upper crust may be immensely popular, surrounded by hoards of adoring fans, and yet they can still feel intensely alone. In the middle of the crowd, you can be drowning in loneliness!
The lonely wealthy know that when their money is gone, their friends will go as well. Many who are rich look into their fancy, gilt-edged mirrors and what do they see? They see a lonely person staring back at them. Many who are rich instinctively know their relationships are shallow and superficial. They know others don't like them for who they are; they like them for what they have.
Brad Pitt: "Man, I know all these things are supposed to seem important to us—the car, the condo, our version of success—but if that's the case, why is the general feeling out there reflecting more impotence and isolation and desperation and loneliness? If you ask me, I say toss all this—we gotta find something else. Because all I know is that at this point in time, we are heading for a dead end, a numbing of the soul, a complete atrophy of the spiritual being. And I don't want that." [Interviewed in Rolling Stone magazine, 10-28-99]
Ecclesiastes 4:8 (TEV) - Here is a man who lives alone. He has no son, no brother, yet he is always working, never satisfied with the wealth he has. For whom is he working so hard and denying himself any pleasure? This is useless, too—and a miserable way to live.
So how can we reconcile all these observations with Proverb 14:20? "The poor are shunned even by their neighbors, but the rich have many friends."
First, I think we have to come back to the meaning of the word poor. The original Hebrew word (rush - roosh) means "to be in want or poor." The word is derived from another word (rosh - roshe) which means "(bitter and poisonous herb) venom."
In other words, there is something bitter about being poor. It leaves a bad taste in your mouth. It's unpleasant. It's a noxious, toxic condition. So you can see how the word for "poor" is related to something bitter and poisonous.
But notice this—this condition is not limited to describing the condition of your wallet or your checkbook! You can be "poor" in many different ways besides money. For instance, you can be "poor in spirit."
Some years ago Mother Teresa of Calcutta, India said: "The spiritual poverty of the Western world is much greater than the physical poverty of our people. You in the West have millions of people who suffer such terrible loneliness and emptiness." [Leadership, Vol. 8, no. 1]
You can be poor in other ways as well: You can have poor:
- Attitudes
- Character
- Judgment
- Taste
- Sense of humor
- People skills
I think it's in these other areas beyond money that we begin to see the depth of the wisdom in this Proverb. Lonely people are people who are impoverished on the inside. People with poor attitudes, poor character, poor people skills have great need—they lack very important, key ingredients for life. If "poor" hints at something "bitter and poisonous," then a person with a bitter personality is poor. Someone with an unpleasant attitude, who is no fun to be around, who stirs up trouble, who has a poisonous outlook on life—this kind of toxic personality drives people away.
If you have a porcupine personality—always prickly, always bristling—people will start to avoid you. If you bristle whenever things bother you or threaten you, people won't want to get close to you. Prickly words drive others away! Porcupines are pretty lonely creatures.
Well, maybe you're not a porcupine. Let's say you're really soft and cuddly; you're even warm and fuzzy. Only problem is, you're a skunk. Do you know can be soft and cuddly and still have problems with relationships? True, you don't have a bristly, prickly personality—but you have a stinking attitude! When people see a skunk coming, they run the other way.
A couple years back, we were camping in a group campsite in Father Hennepin State Park on Mille Lacs Lake with my siblings and nieces and nephews—about 20 of us sitting around a campfire—when a skunk wandered by. Someone pointed and said, "There's a skunk!" And we all got up and moved to the opposite side of the fire. We watched that skunk from a distance. Nobody said, "Oh, what a cute, cuddly little creature! I wonder if he'd let me pet him." Our dog, who is kind of dumb and doesn't know any better, wanted to go make friends with the skunk, but we grabbed his collar and wouldn't let him go. Why? Because that skunk had a reputation—and we didn't want to have to deal with whatever it was he might be upset with.
Some sunflowers and other plants produce chemicals that inhibit neighboring plants. They look okay on the surface, but they produce phytotoxins that may inhibit seed germination, slow seedling growth, or reduce crop yields. The technical term for this is "allelopathy." It gives the sunflower an advantage so other plants (including other sunflowers) won't compete for the water and nutrients the sunflower wants for itself. Doesn't that sound like some people you know? They might not even realize what they're doing, but to look out for their own best interest, they try to protect themselves from others—so they exude bitter attitudes and poisonous words. They are "poor in spirit."
Being poor in spirit is a bitter, unpleasant way to live. It leaves a bad taste in the mouths of others. It drives others away. Some people are like porcupines. Some are like skunks. Some are like sunflowers. But they all have something in common—they're lacking something important; they're "in need"; they're poor in spirit—and as a result, they're pretty lonely people. Their attitude, their actions, their words push others away.
Proverbs 14:20 (TEV): "The poor are shunned even by their neighbors..." People who with a "poor" spirit will be shunned by their neighbors. Others won't want to get near them. Who wants to be around someone that leaves a bitter aftertaste? If you have a poor attitude or poor people skills or poor judgment—if your character is bankrupt—then your neighbors will shun you.
SEUNG-HUI CHO (Sung-Wee Joh): Before he skipped his Monday morning "Bible as Literature" class two weeks ago to shoot 32 people to death at Virginia Tech, he was already seen by teachers, psychologists, and others as a troubled young man. Investigators don't know his motives, but they know he was very disturbed and lonely—someone unable to let others into his private world. He came to this country with his parents as an 8-year-old, but apparently never made the adjustment and never learned how to fit in. His poor people skills became even poorer. He could not look at others in the eyes. He always looked down. When someone tried to greet him, he wouldn't answer. He never said a word the entire school year to his dormitory roommate. It's no wonder his neighbors shunned him! He was poor in spirit. And it seems that his soul became more and more bankrupt until he was overcome by evil obsessions.
KING SAUL is another example: He became powerful and wealthy in material things, but he was poor in so many other ways. All his life he struggled with what seemed to be an inferiority complex. He could never grasp the idea that God wanted to make something of his life; to do something significant through him. When the prophet Samuel informed Saul that God had chosen him to lead Israel, "Saul replied, ‘Am I not a Benjamite, of the smallest of the tribes of Israel, and my family the least of all the families of the tribe of Benjamin? Why then do you speak to me in this way?'" (1 Sam 9:21, NASB)
When God's choice was later confirmed publicly by "drawing straws," Saul was hiding in the baggage (1 Sam 10:22)—still struggling with feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, and self-doubt.
God wanted Saul to put his trust and confidence in the Lord. If he would have done that, he could have developed his inner character and his ability to lead others. Instead of looking at God, however, Saul looked at people. He was concerned about what people thought of him. He assembled an army, but he grew nervous and desperate waiting for Samuel. Why? Because "the people were scattering from him" (1 Sam 13:8, NASB). So he offered sacrifices himself and explained to Samuel he had no choice because "I saw the soldiers leaving me" (1 Sam 13:11, NCV). The more he tried to hold on to people, the more mistakes he made—and the more troubled he became.
It wasn't long before God's Spirit left him, "and an evil spirit from the Lord troubled him" (1 Sam 16:14, NCV). I don't see this as punishment so much as consequences. God is not in the business of evil—but if you make wrong choices, you receive consequences for your choices. It's just like in Romans 1—when people refused to acknowledge God, the consequences were that "their thoughts have become complete nonsense, and their empty minds are filled with darkness" (Romans 1:21, TEV) so that finally "God gave them up" (Rom 1:24,26, KJV).
A young shepherd boy named David was brought in to play his harp so the music could sooth Saul's troubled mind. But Saul grew more troubled and suspicious (1 Sam 18:9). A couple of times he threw a spear at David, trying to pin him to the wall. Things got so crazy that the king became afraid of a young shepherd! The powerful, wealthy ruler became paranoid about an insignificant commoner. (1 Sam 18:12).
Why? Because Saul was "poor" in spirit while David was gaining wealth—not money, but in other ways. "14 David was prospering in all his ways for the LORD was with him. 15 When Saul saw that he was prospering greatly, he dreaded him." (1 Sam 18:14-15, NASB)
Proverbs 19:7 (TEV) - A poor man is shunned by all his relatives—how much more do his friends avoid him! Though he pursues them with pleading, they are nowhere to be found.
But if you have a positive attitude and a friendly spirit, if you develop a wealth of people skills, if you're rich in character—then you'll have many friends. You won't be shunned. You won't be lonely. You'll be able to develop healthy meaningful relationships. You'll be able to find love. Others will want to come close to you because they can grow and prosper when they're near you.
Psalm 25:16 (TEV) - Turn to me, LORD, and be merciful to me, because I am lonely and weak.
Zech 1:3 (NLT) - Therefore, say to the people, `This is what the LORD Almighty says: Return to me, and I will return to you...'
To get past loneliness and find love, your first step is to respond to God's love. Surrender yourself (and all your feelings of shame and inadequacy) to him. Let his love do its work on you.
Recommend book by Larry Crabb: Understanding Who You Are: What Your Relationships Tell You About Yourself (NavPress, 1997): He talks about people who are afraid of being rejected, so they withdraw from people so they can protect themselves from all painful encounters. The irony is that by withdrawing, they do to themselves what they fear others will do to them. They build a wall of separation. They live lives of isolation and loneliness.