What Men Wished Wives Knew About Husbands

MP3 File: 

20100523 Sermon.mp3

Male-female relationships have changed dramatically down through history. Certainly, gone are the caveman days!

• Kill the mammoth; catch the woman; drag her by the hair back to your cave.

Gone too are the ancient Bible days!

• Abraham "bought" a wife for his son with 10 camel-loads of treasure.
• Jacob worked 7 years to "buy" Laban's daughter for his wife.
• Laban pulled a "bait-and-switch" and tricked Jacob by giving him a different daughter (so he had to work 7 more years to buy a second wife).
• Men ruled the world, and women were 2nd-class citizens...or worse.
• In ancient Bible days, daughters (women) were viewed as property—as business assets, valuable commodities. Fathers could sell their daughters for cash. Some sold their daughters as concubines—little more than slaves kept for the sexual pleasures of the man who bought them.

When Jesus came along, his teachings elevated the social status of women significantly.

• Neither male nor female (Gal 3:28, NIV).

But despite the teachings of Scripture there has remained a divide between the genders!

• In this country women obtained the right to vote only 90 years ago (1920).
• In the work force, women on average still earn only 77% of what men make for the same job. [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/chris-dodd/equal-pay-for-equal-work_b_544089.html]
• But the status of women has been climbing in society; the landscape has been changing. They can vote today, of course. But there are other indicators too...
• ABC News reported a couple weeks ago that top-flight female CEOs who head the nation's largest companies (Yahoo, Kraft, Pepsi) earn substantially more—40 percent more in 2009—than their male counterparts. [http://abcnews.go.com/WN/women-ceos-salaries-caught-men/story?id=10630664]

Meanwhile, in this shifting cultural landscape, much more finesse is required to be male. In many respects, it's become harder to be a man.

• In the media (advertising, TV, movies) men are ridiculed, mocked, disrespected—the brunt of jokes.
• If being male was an ethnic group or a race, I suspect there could be a number of cases made for discrimination against men today.
• It's become open season on men—and much more difficult for men to balance their new roles in society and the home. The shifting landscape, for some men, is littered with road-side bombs.

So today, we're going to explore some of the pressure points and frustrations raised by men in our quick poll last week.

• The survey underscore what we already knew: that men and women are vastly different! They view the world differently; they communicate differently; they deal with stress and problems differently.
• I discovered this shortly after my wife and I were married. I thought because she loved me that she would want to get up early and make me breakfast, my favorite meal of the day. She thought because I loved her that I would want to let her have a few extra minutes of sleep before she had to rush out the door to class. We were both in love, but we had quite different perceptions of what should be!

CGT marriage poll findings (237 usable surveys)—demographic break-down:

• 149 women; 76 men; and 12 who gave no answer. (I was confused about that at first, but then I figured they were probably blondes.)
• Four out of five (79.7%) respondents were married; 17.2% single (some never married; other singles had been married but were then divorced or widowed).
• A very few (3.1%) were "in between"—cohabitating but not married or married but separated.
• Almost three out of five (58.2%) respondents have been married only one time; but more than one-third (35.9%) have been divorced. Nearly four out of five (78.8%) of those divorced have been remarried.
• 7.1% widowed—less than half (47%) of those have been remarried.
• Longest marriages: 60 and 61 years

Today we're going to hear some of the comments that men made. (Don't worry women; next week we'll hear from you.) I noticed four categories of comments men made—(1) small differences (the little irritating things that bug men); (2) emotional differences (different ways of coping with life); (3) things men want (or need); (4) differences in communication (by far the biggest area).

First, small irritations: I'd like to know why she...

• Thinks shopping is fun
• Pulls cords out by the wire instead of the plug
• Is obsessed with cleanliness
• Takes so long to get ready (can't get ready for church on time: "I'd like her to understand why I like to drive fast")

I wish she'd understand...

• Why it's important to not let checks be written out of sequence (I think it was probably his wife who wrote: "I'd like to know why he gets upset when I take a check out of sequence")—apparently we hit a nerve there
• Why I dislike laundry
• How to use a mirror when backing up a vehicle

Second, different ways of coping with life: I'd like to know why she...

• Lets simple things overwhelm her
• Is so emotional (is so angry) (doesn't think logically) (worries so much) (let's things bother her so much) (has such mood swings) (snaps one moment, is nice the next)
• Does so many things at once

I wish she'd understand...

• That logic is more important than emotions
• That men are competitive by nature

Third, things men want or need: I'd like to know why she...

• Doesn't understand me
• Doesn't listen to me
• Always puts the children first

I wish she'd understand...

• I need more respect (men crave respect) (need appreciation & affection) (need encouragement) (need attention too—from one who felt pushed out by the children)
• I'd like to make love more often (that sex is important to me) (that it's okay to be less inhibited)
• I need time alone (need space) (quiet time) (no activity days) (guy time) (time away from house work to do "man" projects) (time for hobbies) (I like to work to relax)

Fourth, different styles of communicating: I'd like to know why she...

• Expects me to read her mind (plays all the guessing games) ("if you can't figure it out than I'm not going to tell you") (Means something completely different from what I hear)
• (Needs to talk so much) (talks about everything) (talks in such detail) (can't enjoy my presence without talking) (answers her own questions before can answer them) (can't say things just once or even twice—I know! She's probably thinking if he'd answer, I wouldn't have to keep saying it.)
• When great disappointments and insurmountable problems came along in our marriage, I discovered my wife's way of coping with them was to talk about them—incessantly. The talk didn't necessarily mean that we DID or CHANGE anything. Talk was an end in itself! My way of coping, on the other hand, was to stew in silence. I was "processing" challenges one way—and she was processing them in completely the opposite way. To her, my silence meant that I was in "denial"—unable to deal with the issue. To me, her non-stop dialogue was confusing at best and counter-productive at worst.

I wish she'd understand...

• Why I don't like to talk very much (that my silence doesn't mean I'm upset or that something is wrong) (I love her even if I don't always show it ["I'm working on that"]) (I don't like to discuss events I'm trying to leave behind)
• How I process issues (how I compartmentalize) (how I can't do more than one thing at a time) (that I can't switch topics so quickly)
• So if HE tries to break problems down into manageable units, SHE'S trying to connect the dots (linking the implications to everything else). A couple of weeks ago, someone explained this by saying men have "waffle brains"—little quadrants and squares where everything is dealt with separately—put in its own little box away from everything else. Women, however, have "spaghetti brains"—where every detail is interconnected with everything else. Pull on one piece of a problem and it could be intertwined with a dozen more issues!

In some respects, it almost seems Paul's advice to the Corinthians would solve these issues:

• (1 Cor 7:1, NIV) It is good for a man not to marry.
• (1 Cor 7:8, NIV) Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am.

There's a verse describing how Jews and Gentiles can come together in Christ even though historically they were always in conflict, always at each others' throats. It's easy to see how the verse describing peace between such historical enemies might be an appropriate verse for men and women!

• (Eph 2:14, NIV) For he himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility.

As a matter of fact, there is a verse that suggests a supernatural kind of peace that puts the sexes in the same category:

• (Gal 3:28, NIV) There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

The problem is that supernatural, spiritual realities don't eradicate natural, physical conditions. Until we are made complete in Christ when we stand in his presence, we are still human beings, made of flesh and blood, living in this world. We still must deal with our differences—men will be men and women will be women.

Most difficult thing about marriage (according to men):

• Moodiness / emotional ups and downs / differences (understanding them) / finding time together
• Learning to give your life away (also listed as the best thing about marriage)
• Communication (one also listed that as the best thing about marriage)

Best thing about marriage (according to men):

• Best friend / closeness / companionship / togetherness
• Sharing experiences, challenges, joys & sorrows
• (My favorite) Warmth in bed & coffee in the morning

After all this, women certainly might wonder why God made men the way they are—why they act the way they do; why they think the way they do; why they communicate (or don't communicate) the way they do. Why didn't God make men just like women? Why did he leave such potential for conflict and difficulty between the sexes?

However, the real issue here today is not why men are the way they are. The real issue is: What should a believing wife do in response to the way her husband is? That is, what does it mean to be a Christian wife?

I see several things that emerge from these comments from the men and from the Bible. Because ultimately, it's not so important that you understand what men wished wives knew about husbands. What's more important is that you understand what God wished wives would know...what God wished wives would do.

I'm going to highlight just four things:

1.       Communication. God wants wives to understand their husbands.

Of course that's not easy! But if you can at least begin to put yourself in his place; if you can imagine what it's like to live in his world—then you have begun to grasp a key biblical principle for healthy relationships! Empathy and understanding.

(Prov 14:29, NCV) Patient people have great understanding, but people with quick tempers show their foolishness.

(Prov 18:2, NCV) Fools do not want to understand anything. They only want to tell others what they think.

(Phil 2:4, NIV) Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

(Prov 15:28, NCV) Good people think before they answer...

(Prov 15:1, NCV) A gentle answer will calm a person's anger, but an unkind answer will cause more anger.

(Prov 21:23, NCV) Those who are careful about what they say keep themselves out of trouble.

(Prov 12:18, NCV) Careless words stab like a sword, but wise words bring healing.

(Prov 15:4, NCV) As a tree gives fruit, healing words give life, but dishonest words crush the spirit.

(Eph 4:29, NCV) When you talk, do not say harmful things, but say what people need—words that will help others become  stronger. Then what you say will do good to those who listen to you.

Why does God want you to work on understanding and communicating with your husband? Because it's a skill that will help you grow closer to God. If you think it's hard to know what your husband is thinking, it can be even more difficult to hear from God and to know his will. Learn how to bridge the gap with your husband—learn to hear his heart—and you've learned a lesson on how to hear from God and to know his heart!

2.       Emotional needs. God calls wives to honor and respect their husbands.

I can hear the objections already: It's hard to honor and respect somebody who doesn't earn it. And that's true enough, but I would say two things in response: (1) this is first and foremost about doing something that pleases God; (2) the way you treat someone influences their behavior.

We've seen many examples of this in education: the teacher who believes in a child's potential brings out more in the child than one who doesn't.

Words have the power to shape a life. We've all heard the lie, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me." Entire lives are shaped by the words of a few. Fortunately, those same lives can be reshaped by the right words at the right time.

Elijah E. Cummings, Maryland's 7th District representative to the U.S. Congress, spoke at the 2000 Education Leadership Summit. Let me read a bit of what he said:

This morning, as I drove through the early-morning, South Baltimore traffic toward I-95 and Washington, I passed near the elementary school that I attended nearly 40 years ago. I spent most of my elementary school training as an unhappy member of what then was called the 3rd group—what we today call special education.

To this day, I remember the cold, incredulous, rejecting words of my 6th grade school counselor. "You want to be a lawyer? Who do you think you are?" When I think back to that time, I do something I have done every morning of my adult life. I thank God for the wonderful adults who gave me my head start in life: I thanked God for Mr. Hollis Posey, the sixth grade teacher who listened to my dreams, who believed in my potential as a human being, and who taught to my strengths, not my limitations. And I thanked God for my parents, who convinced me that I could become whatever I decided to be.

I made it out of the 3rd group. I graduated second in my class from Baltimore City College High School. I became a Phi Beta Kappa at Howard University. I became a lawyer at the University of Maryland. I was elected to public office and rose to the position of speaker pro tem of the Maryland House of Delegates, and today I serve the people of Baltimore as a member of the Congress of the United States of America.

I survived and succeeded because of positive parental involvement, and because of Mr. Hollis Posey's belief in me, because he taught to my strengths and helped me learn and achieve in my own way. [http://www.house.gov/cummings/speech/sp120400.htm]

What you believe about your husband and how you treat him will shape what he will become.

(1 Cor 13:7, LB) If you love someone, you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground in defending him.

(Eph 5:33, NIV) the wife must respect her husband (KJV: "reverence") (MSG: "honor")

(Prov 18:21, NCV) What you say can mean life or death. Those who speak with care will be rewarded.

(Eph 4:29, NIV) Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

3.       Companionship. God calls wives to be "suitable" partners to their husbands.

(Gen 2:18, NIV) I will make a helper suitable for him...

The original word "suitable" meant: corresponding to (opposite to—a counterpart)...like the two opposite sides of a scissors (a pair of scissors): matching opposites.

You're not alike! But that's the very thing that can make you a suitable partner! With God's help you can be an appropriate, suitable, matched counterpart to him. He needs your support and help to become all that God wants him to be.

4.       Love. God calls wives to love their husbands.

(Titus 2:4, NIV) [Older women] can train the younger women to love their husbands...

Love is something we DO, not just something we FEEL. In fact, you can be trained to love—you can see it modeled; you can follow the examples of others; you can study and learn the principles of a loving relationship.

(Col 3:12-14, NIV) ...clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. ¹³ Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ¹⁴ And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.