What Women Wished Husbands Knew About Wives

Marriage: What Women Wished Husbands Knew About Wives Let's return to the poll we took a couple weeks ago to hear what women are thinking about their relationships with men.

237 surveys (almost twice as many women as men [149 to 76])

Four out of five (79.7%) married; 17.2% single; 3.1% were either married/separated or single/living together.

Three out of five (58.2%) married once; more than one-third (35.9%) divorced (80% of those remarried).

I noticed differences in the comments given by women from the comments that men gave. First there were twice as many—but they also had more to say! Their comments were more detailed and more complex. (Remember the differences between the male and the female brain? Remember how men only speak about 3- to 4,000 words a day; women 10- to 12,000?)

So I ended up with more categories for the women's comments.

1. Small differences
2. Emotional differences (coping)
3. Different ways of thinking
4. Things women want (or need)
   a.      Relational needs
   b.      Mature behavior
5. Communication differences

Small Differences: Wives say, I'd like to know why...he can't find anything; he's late for everything...& doesn't care; he won't leave his shoes at the entrance; he makes the bed while I'm still sleeping in it; he doesn't know little things DO matter; he won't put the pot lid down.

Emotional/Coping Differences: Wives say, I'd like to know...why he has such mood swings; do men have PMS? why men seem controlled by testosterone; he's so distant...why he lacks emotion; he's a narcissist; why he can't see that women need to "cry" at times (that my emotions sometimes cannot be explained...that crying is my "stress relieve"...that I'm not trying to upset him...how sensitive I can be...that it affects me when he's uptight and stressed); why he always gets upset over small stuff; why he can't see it hurts when he always says "no."

Women Think Differently than Men: Wives say, I'd like to know...men are so basic; men aren't complicated [OK. What does THAT mean? Is that code language or something?]; he can't see just because my way is different doesn't mean it's wrong; he can't see I have to have the house organized to think clearly; if I'm frustrated he thinks he always has to "fix" things (to fix all my problems...tries to solve things instead of just listening & empathizing); he thinks all the work in the house is my job; he's obsessed with planning; he only seems to care about one thing [?!].

Things women want/need: Wives say, I'd like him...to know I can't meet all his needs; to listen & be a friend...nothing more; to know the "obvious" [OK, I need to defend the guy here—because (a) we can't read minds; (b) we're just not that observant; (c) subtle hints confuse us—it may be "obvious" to you, but it's not really that obvious to us!]; to show his love by words & actions (daily words & actions that show affection...to be nurtured & loved); to hear compliments...affirmation; to give me a sense of security (to be part of making decisions...to respect me...to show compassion); to spend more time with me; to pull his weight in running the family (I'd have more time with him if he helped more).

Relational Needs of Women: Wives say, I'd like to know why... he doesn't love me any more; he cares more about work than me & the kids (spends more time at work instead of us...can't give more time & attention to his kids & me); he disconnects so easily without regard to the damage it does to the family; he doesn't get that sex doesn't necessarily make me feel loved (I'd like to be close sometimes without making love...I like just holding hand or having his arm around me); he doesn't "feed" our relationship—except when he wants something; he can't see I need to be "courted" (or "dated"); he doesn't know I'd like him to be more romantic; [he can't see that] I'd like him to surprise me with unexpected acts or words of kindness.

Women Need Better Behavior: Wives say, I'd like to know why...he won't ask for help (needs to do everything himself); he doesn't seem to need me like I need him; he feels like he needs to control me; he acts out when he feels insecure; he somehow needs to argue; he avoids responsibility (won't help with chores); he acts like a junior high boy (would rather play or watch sports than be with me); he pushes my buttons [translation: he knows how to irritate me AND enjoys doing it]; he won't go to church (can't turn his life over to God).

Styles of Communicating: Wives say, I'd like to know why...he doesn't hear me when I talk (doesn't listen as well as I do); he "thinks" the answers to my questions; he assumes he knows me & what I'm thinking; he keeps everything inside (he shuts down...doesn't want to discuss issues...can't be more open...doesn't trust me with his feelings); he can't read people's body language (when it seems so obvious to me); men send mixed signals (& why they give them); he doesn't show his love in obvious ways; he can't see I need to talk about situations in detail.

Women say the most difficult thing about marriage is: biting my tongue...dealing with little annoyances...having the wrong partner (!)...raising his girls...compromising...blending two different personalities...conflict...communication.

Women say the greatest thing about marriage: having a best friend, someone to love, to share my life with, not being alone, having a soul mate, companionship, growing together spiritually.

One woman said: "While you live with him, you see his faults. Ten years after his death, I could see his good spirit." Another said: "Being loved by my wonderful husband. I miss him so much, a part of me died when he did."

I appreciate hearing these last two comments, because they remind us that—for all the challenges and difficulties of marriage—God gives us a wonderful gift when he brings someone into our lives. We must not take that gift for granted!

So men, now you've heard from the women. You've glimpsed what's in their hearts. Last week, though, I said it's more important for women to hear what God wants than what men want. I echo that same sentiment today: It's more important for you guys to hear what's in God's heart! If you please God and follow his ways, your relationship with your wife will grow and become stronger.

There are three things I want to show you from God's Word—three things God wants you to know about what your relationship with your wife should be.

1 Peter 3:7 — Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

Ephesians 5:25-27 — ²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

1. Be considerate.

God wants you to understand you wife. Put yourself in her place. Listen to her—hear what she says, but even more, feel what she feels.

Communication is not mere facts and information. Real communication must go to a deeper level to catch the feelings and emotions. And men! This is hard for us—it goes against our basic nature. So we have to work at it.

We've got to learn how to identify with our wives and what they are going through. You may not always understand the tears. You may be confused about what causes certain feelings. But remember—you don't have to understand why. You don't even have to agree with her emotions.

God simply calls us to recognize that her feelings are real. God wants us to support her and affirm her when she expresses them.

2. Treat your wife with respect. ...as the "weaker" partner.

What does THAT mean? It doesn't mean she's mentally inferior. It doesn't mean she has less stamina (survival stories indicate otherwise). It doesn't mean she's less disciplined. It doesn't mean she's spiritually deficient.

You could say it means she's physically weaker. Women are typically smaller, lighter, and have less muscle mass. This is why women don't compete against men in the Olympics. It's why the golf course has different tees for women than for men.

But if we limit our discussion to physical strength and weakness, I think we miss a larger point! The word for weaker in the original (asthenés) comes from the same root word as the word weaknesses (astheneia) found in Heb 4:15:

...we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin.

Think of it this way: By sympathizing with our weaknesses, Jesus respects our feelings. He knows we don't need to be so fearful, but he supports us in our frustrations and our anxieties! He is considerate of our feelings, because he has felt the same temptations we feel. He can identify with what we're going through.

When you learn to be considerate and listen to your wife; when you respect her by giving her time to share her feelings with you; when you identify with what she is going through—then you are doing what Jesus does for you.

As husbands we must be considerate by sympathizing with the "weaker partner." We must strive to walk with her and identify with her feelings—just as Christ walked in our world and identified with our weaknesses and temptations.

When your wife looks to you, learn to be a mirror. Reflect what she is feeling back to her—affirm her. Don't just FIX her! Don't just try to solve her problem. Learn to sympathize. To share with her.

You say, "Oh, but Jesus solved our problems. He fixed our troubles." True! But before Jesus gave us "grace and mercy to help us in our time of need" (Heb 4:16), first he sympathized with our weakness!

With all this in mind, I'm thinking that the "weaker partner" simply means she is more sensitive, more tender, more impressionable. Call it emotions, if you want, but this may explain why women often seem more responsive to the Spirit of God. Like clay that is soft and pliable, your wife may feel things more deeply than you. She may be more in touch with her emotions.

Husbands often seem more hardened, more calloused, less responsive, and less sensitive. Wives are like fine, delicate china; husbands are more like bulls in a china shop.

We husbands need to work at being considerate bulls. Understanding bulls. We need to treat our wives with respect—to be careful with her—because she is more delicate.

When you learn to do this, you will be blessed! The more you learn to understand your wife's sensitive nature, the more you appreciate and respect her spirit, the more sensitive and responsive you will become to God's Spirit.

But if you remain calloused and insensitive, if you become aloof and distant, if you're uncaring and disrespectful of her feelings—then your spiritual vitality can suffer. In fact, the Scripture says your prayers will "be hindered."

3. Love (as Christ loved)—(Eph 5:25-27).

Bless and serve your wife (as Jesus served the church) to make her better (as Jesus prepared a pure, white, blemish-free church). Jesus "loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy...without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish."

(a) Love means putting her first! Put your wife's needs above your own. Jesus said he didn't come to be served but to serve (Mark 10:45). Jesus washed the feet of his disciples and said, "I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you" (John 13:15)—he served.

(b) Love means dying to yourself. It means dying to your own desires. Jesus said he came to give his life as a ransom (Mark 10:45). "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us" (1 John 3:16). "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:12-13).

(c) Love means to humble yourself. We've all heard that wives are supposed to submit. But submission is not just for wives! Submission is a Christian characteristic and attitude—it requires humility and trust in God. "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Eph 5:21). "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." (Phil 2:3). "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus...[who] humbled himself and became obedient to death—even death on a cross" (Phil 2:5-8).

(d) Love means accepting responsibility. In other words, grow up! Fulfill the role you've been given as a husband. Stop whining and complaining. Do the hard thing!

1 Corinthians 13:4-5,7 (Message paraphrase)
⁴ Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, doesn't have a swelled head, ⁵ doesn't force itself on others, isn't always "me first," doesn't fly off the handle, doesn't keep score of the sins of others... ⁷ [Love] puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end.

Men, love is not about what you get; it's about what you give. And that's why God wants us to love our wives as Christ loved the church!